What if…what if…

Possible trigger warning: anxiety / intrusive suicidal thoughts

Today I’m struggling with my thoughts. On a level of 1-10, where 1 is low-level occasional anxious thoughts and 10 is full-on crisis mode, I’m probably at about 2-3. Compared with ten days ago when I was in a total crisis and started this blog, that’s not bad.

Since the horribleness of my recent meltdown I’ve been doing my best to take care of myself, regulate my anxiety and energy levels, connect with supportive people, meditate a bit, and most of all pay attention to my mind and try not to let things get out of control. I’ve been doing okay, but I’m recognising familiar patterns of being busy and planning the next thing, feeling overwhelmed by whatever is planned for the day, and thinking more generally about the future. My thoughts are very automatic, unwanted and anxiety-based.

For example:

⁃ I don’t know if I can recover from mental ill health

⁃ I felt better the other day so I think I can recover

⁃ What if that was just denial or delusion and actually I should just kill myself?

⁃ What if my thoughts are real?

⁃ How will I be able to cope when my parents die?

⁃ If I want to have children, I’ve probably got about 8 years maximum to recover, meet someone and start a family before I’m too old

⁃ I’ll probably get post-natal depression and will get ill again and will definitely want to kill myself if that happens

⁃ What if I recover from this then decide I don’t want to live any more anyway?

⁃ Where shall I have lunch today? Have I got time to go here and there without being late for Thai class?

Thanks for this, brain. Happy days.

Like I said, these thoughts are anxiety-based (what if…, how will…, all ruminating about the future) rather than being a reflection of reality or how I actually feel, but they still feel real and I attach meaning to them because I’m so used to believing my thoughts.

[disclaimer: I am not in a state of crisis or thinking of acting on any of my thoughts: the purpose of this post is to be honest about how I’m doing and what is going on for me at the moment. I have what I think is OCD, which I will talk about in more detail at a later date. For anyone reading this, there’s no need to be worried or call me to make sure I’m alive etc, because I am!]


  1. Suicide is not an option. It is quite simply out of the question. Don’t even let your brain ponder it as a possibility. You are here and that is how it is.


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