I just want to be free

I don’t know what is going on but yesterday I felt…good…normal…okay…like a cloud had lifted. Which was nice, obviously. But then I started over-thinking (naturally):

⁃ What if it’s just because I got my period (my mental health is badly affected by hormonal changes and gets a lot worse in PMS week) and this whole thing is chemical/hormonal and is therefore out of my control?

And whilst feeling good was nice, it felt scary. Fragile.

⁃ What if the thoughts come back? Then I’ll be really screwed.

⁃ Oh shit, the thoughts are coming back.

⁃ Oh god, I’m back at square one.

My mind became overcast again and it felt strangely safe. Familiar.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it just a biochemically-induced depression (of which rumination is a common symptom), in which case I need to try and get rid of the thoughts? Is it really OCD? If it is, then is this what is known as a ‘backdoor spike’, where you start making progress with ERP and feel better, then the thoughts come back because you’re more relaxed and you’re not so focused on it any more so they hit harder?

I just want to be okay. I want to be free of this. I want to be able to live my life without being in a constant state of anxiety about my thoughts. I want to be free. I want to be free. I want this to go away.

5 comments

  1. It sounds like a backdoor spike (vivid expression) to me – and forms of depression fight back as well, so that you feel actually worse when you’re starting to recover. These bloody illnesses don’t give up easily, but it sounds as if you’re getting it on the run. Well done you – and you will be free of it.

    Like

    • Yeah, it’d be nice to be shot of it for good! This isn’t the first time I’ve felt ‘better’ in the last three years, though. It comes and goes and when it comes back it’s kinda worse each time because I worry that I can’t sustain recovery. Booo.

      Like

  2. It must be so F** hard: Being afraid of the future, the unknown, and not being able to leave the past where it belongs: behind you. What makes the present like a gift wrapped in barbed wire.
    I’m proud of you being able to express you inner feelings and thoughts! 😍💖

    Liked by 1 person

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