I don’t know what is going on but yesterday I felt…good…normal…okay…like a cloud had lifted. Which was nice, obviously. But then I started over-thinking (naturally):
⁃ What if it’s just because I got my period (my mental health is badly affected by hormonal changes and gets a lot worse in PMS week) and this whole thing is chemical/hormonal and is therefore out of my control?
And whilst feeling good was nice, it felt scary. Fragile.
⁃ What if the thoughts come back? Then I’ll be really screwed.
⁃ Oh shit, the thoughts are coming back.
⁃ Oh god, I’m back at square one.
My mind became overcast again and it felt strangely safe. Familiar.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it just a biochemically-induced depression (of which rumination is a common symptom), in which case I need to try and get rid of the thoughts? Is it really OCD? If it is, then is this what is known as a ‘backdoor spike’, where you start making progress with ERP and feel better, then the thoughts come back because you’re more relaxed and you’re not so focused on it any more so they hit harder?
I just want to be okay. I want to be free of this. I want to be able to live my life without being in a constant state of anxiety about my thoughts. I want to be free. I want to be free. I want this to go away.