The spaces between the thoughts

Have been struggling the last few days. A couple of weeks back I had a major breakthrough with the suicidal OCD. I came to complete acceptance of the possibility that I might kill myself (in the sense that anyone might and you can’t ever be 100% sure, not in the sense that I was actually planning to) and after a couple of days my thoughts just moved onto something else and I lived my life fairly happily for a couple of weeks (apart from a slightly annoying trip to the seaside during which it rained a lot, and I thought I’d got dengue fever but I didn’t).

In the last few days there’s been a lot of upheaval. I’m currently living in Chiang Mai, Thailand, and have found a certain amount of stability here. I’ve got a great group of friends, support groups, fun stuff to do, it’s sunny, like, all of the time, things are cheap, I’ve got a lovely apartment, and I spent six weeks taking Thai classes, which was really fun. Unfortunately, though, my visa expires soon and my three best mates here are all leaving at more or less the same time. Two have gone already, and the other goes on Wednesday. It wasn’t an intentional mass exodus, obviously, but has left me feeling quite lonely.

All this only hit me a few days ago (I’m not very good at planning things in advance) and so tomorrow I’m packing up all my stuff, handing back the keys to my flat, and flying to Kuala Lumpur. As you do. This sudden change has triggered a lot of other questions in me: if and when to return to the U.K.? How to find this sort of healthy lifestyle when I do go back? Where to live, where to work? What to do in the meantime? Thinking about all these things all at once has made my head hurt, and set off a load of other thoughts about ‘facing things’ when I’m back in the U.K., such as my parents, and how to not feel stressed out by that.

One of the main thoughts that leads to intrusive thoughts of suicide is how to cope when my parents die (apologies, Mum and Dad, if you’re reading this) and the thought that maybe in Thailand I’m just in denial about that, so when I get home I’ll see what’s really true and therefore want to commit suicide. Yes, obviously this is not a good reason to kill yourself. I know this. That’s why it’s called OCD and not actual suicidal thoughts.

Anyway, there’s no real aim to this post other than that I’m struggling and want to keep writing about it so that I’m not repressing, denying or avoiding stuff.

The picture below, by the way, is my friend Natascha who came to my place the other night. Luckily I warned her about the ‘suicidal posters’ (I.e. ERP) in my room, so we ended up filling in the spaces between the thoughts in nice colours. There’s got to be some darkly comic metaphor in that.

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