Feeling very angry and frustrated with myself today. It seems that I make a bit of progress with ERP/ CBT then go into a sort of denial about the fact that I need to keep working on this stuff. I get all busy, do difficult treks, apply for jobs, stay busy busy busy, until the trek, or the job, or the busyness stops and I find myself back at square 1, or that’s how it feels anyway.
It scares me how easily I go from working on stuff to total denial/distraction. It’s like I shouldn’t have bothered working on stuff to start with. Whenever I come back to it after being distracted or busy for some time, I feel worse than ever because I’ve done it again: not kept up with the work I know I need to do, gone along with things because it’s easier to keep up appearances than to say ‘Stop. I’m struggling and I don’t need to be doing this right now, I need to be prioritising my recovery.’
I think it’s partly because of a lack of support: I don’t have a therapist specialising in ERP, I’m travelling alone and therefore any sort of routine or stable friendship group is out of the window, and there’s nobody (e.g. a therapist) giving me homework and telling me to spend a certain amount of time each day on this stuff. I feel like I’m alone with it, and that’s really hard. I’ve tried to find someone online but haven’t been successful, and just feel like it’s too much to do all on my own.
Feeling really discouraged right now.