After a very good few days during which I had some major breakthroughs with ERP therapy, I had a relapse which felt worse than ever (though actually it wasn’t, it just felt that way because I thought I was okay) and am now picking up the pieces from that and reengaging with ERP. Feeling quite stuck, to be honest. Very fearful about where this might lead: what if my thoughts are actually true? What if by exposing myself to them and thinking them over and over again they become true? Both absolutely classic OCD thoughts, but nonetheless very disturbing. Am also finding it difficult to fully do ERP because I’m still doing it in the hope that it will make my thoughts go away. Which, obviously, is the point, but doing it with that mindset is counterproductive. What a nightmarish disorder this is and I am feeling a bit sorry for myself right now!
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing Katy. I LOVE the wonderful blog you have created and how you are using your pain and experience to support others, and in turn yourself. That is so inspiring. As someone who knew little about OCD, you have enlightened me and taught me a lot.
I don’t have OCD but I can so relate to these set-backs as you describe. During my own process and healing from Narcissistic Abuse and delving deep into my own inner wounds and patterns that attracted/stayed in the experience, the kind of work healing work we are doing and being willing to face ourselves head-on like this is not for the faint-hearted but for true warriors! Within this I have days where it feels as though i have gone backwards or am making no progress, days when all of the self-doubt talk comes up in floods and feels overwhelming, days when feels easier to give up on life, yeti always discover that the truth is that it’s simply another layer coming up for me to clear. I do believe very strongly that there is a deep sense of meaning and purpose within what I am experiencing and that my greatest gifts come from my greatest pain. I know that I will bring all of the learning to support other women. I hold on to this knowing.
Sending so much love to you – keep going warrior women! The world needs you xxx
You’re very brave. Your ocd isn’t; it’s clever and sneaky and resourceful, but it hasn’t got your courage.
Katy I don’t think with ERP the thoughts ever go away, it’s just they won’t bother you anymore. But I have noticed one thing, that when you successfully tackle an intrusive thought with ERP, another more deliberating thought replaces it. I have been trying self directed ERP and it’s not easy.
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