Wow, OCD is a tricky little bugger.
I’ve just done some ‘exposure’ work on my fear that I want to commit suicide. By exposure work, I mean not reacting to the thoughts and tsunamis of anxiety that overtake my mind and body when it’s really intense.
My brain is throwing all sorts of thoughts at me about why I’m not going to get better and why I should therefore commit suicide. It does this every day, more or less constantly. The anxiety is in differing degrees, but there is no way round the fact that to get through this, I have to radically accept the lot. Everything. The thoughts, the terror, the whooshes of fear that hit me when it’s bad. The possibility of death. And it has been bad over the last month. It’s been worse than usual and I’m not sure why.
All I can do is carry on with the acceptance and trust that it is OCD and that this is the way forward. It is utterly terrifying.
In my aim to be a little more positive on this blog: if you’re struggling with OCD there IS possibility of recovery, with the right diagnosis, meds and therapy (CBT with ERP. The ERP is the most important bit). At some point I’ll post a list of resources on here with info about how to find a good therapist and get the help you need.
In the meantime, keep on keeping on, as best you can.