The part of myself that is the most vulnerable and frightened is the part that fears that there is something deeply wrong with me and that when people find out about this part, they will leave me. In my mind this can happen with friendships, family and romantic relationships. This has happened before in both platonic and romantic situations, and I deeply dislike this part of myself. I desperately want to be liked, and rejection (perceived or real) hurts like hell because I automatically see it as proof that there is something wrong with me: that I am bad. I find it ugly, unappealing, creepy, desperate, dark, needy, too much, selfish, self-obsessed, full-on, and way too intense.
Interestingly (?), it’s something I also recoil from if I sense it in other people in my romantic relationships. I think it’s because when I feel like it’s present in a partner, they will project this stuff onto me and expect me to fulfil a deep need of theirs to feel loved and adequate. When I can’t do that, I think that they will hate me and my own deepest fear will be shown to be true: that I am an arsehole, defective, inadequate. It’s like I have a massively exaggerated sense of responsibility to make other people feel okay, and if I don’t, it will prove that I’m a bad person.
At the moment I feel completely unable to enter into any sort of romantic liaison, much as I would like to have that closeness and emotional intimacy with another person. I feel that I am unable to be a good or worthwhile partner, and also that I just get too stressed out in romantic relationships for it to be any good for my own mental and emotional health. Even imagining getting together with someone triggers huge amounts of anxiety and makes me unable to function properly, which in turn makes me more depressed and more self-loathing.
I know this post isn’t very uplifting or inspiring, but that’s just where I’m at right now. I am also scared of posting this because I fear that friends who read it will think ‘oh Christ, she’s a bit much’, ‘better keep away from her’, or something. But I’m going to post it anyway in the interests of honesty and trying to allow myself to be open and vulnerable.